Are you the “low drive or the high drive spouse?
In most marriages one partner is the risk taker and the other one is cautious.
98% of marriages have the husband as the higher drive spouse.
If you multiply that % against the number of marriages in the USA, that means that a huge amount of women are the higher drive spouse even though most advertisements seem to speak otherwise.
If the husband in your marriage is the risk taker, the typical initiator in your marriage sex life, the wife will fit this article.
Since many marriages see the wife as the aggressor, these roles are reversed in your marriage.
No matter which one of you is which type, the reality is still true you two view sex as an opposite behavior from each other.
So here are five ideas for you to consider about sex which may be unlike your earlier preconceived ideas.
I encourage you to print this list and discuss it with your husband or wife.
1 – You ladies use sex as a communication conduit and not simply as a physical release. This is nearly impossible for a man to grasp.
As a husband, physical intimacy is how you connect with your wife, after your climax.
Stimulation may have started by some visual prompt or mental image you received early in the morning perhaps when your wife was getting ready for work.
Throughout the day you privately nurtured those thoughts and planned a hot session with her, to culminate the thoughts rattling around in your mind all day.
Women do not understand how easy it is for men, especially young men, to become aroused throughout the day.
Men can innocently see a woman scantily clad or her dress was way too tight and you have an accidental erection.
On the other side of the bed, your wife has fought with the kids or her job, and those issues have taken a harsh toll on her body.
Perhaps you even made a loving remark about her body as she dressed that morning and she completely laughed it off.
Keep ever focused that men get sexually stimulated from the outside in. You observe something that gets you excited and it surges deep down into your body.
Your wife does not react in the same fashion. She is stimulated sexually from the inside out.
To get aroused sexually she needs to have her inner emotional being, touched, and the longer that part of her emotional side can be actively resonated and aroused, the better prepared she is to have a sexual reunion with you that night.
When any distraction (life in any manner) throws her mind and emotional psyche off center, she has to begin again.
Your wife wants, – no – needs, to feel safe and secure in your relationship and at peace with her world. Most men don’t appreciate just how women need to be reassured that she is your bride (how often do you tell her you are glad you married her?). Also let her know you would pursue her again if you both were single.
The wise husband will do everything you can to create a continual feeling of security with her heart.
2 – Husbands, understand that your wife does not always see the sexual adventure as you do.
As strange as it may seem to you, sometime your wife enters into a sexual venture only to please you and not to reach her own climax.
You may have even heard her say to you, “OK so let’s just do this.” in a tone which tells you her desire for sleep, far outweighs her desire to tangle in the sheets with you, so far as her priority is concerned.
She may look at sex as an activity to get through and not necessarily an activity to wrap her entire body and soul into each time.
If having a satisfying sexual life is high on your priority list in marriage, just know that it may not rank so high for your wife.
It is up to you as the higher drive spouse, to gently identify your needs and desires in such a way she understands you are appreciating her as a women.
Your wife may see sex as an activity and not always as a bonding agent for your relationship.
You may remember several times when she became a tigress and really got into your sexual times together.
However, at the beginning of those sessions she may have had a “ho-hum” approach to her participation and needed you to help her get turned-on.
What may have changed during those heated sessions is her mind and emotional inner self, was activated by you and your sensitivity to her needs.
How much foreplay did you use to entice her all throughout the day? Too many men especially, think foreplay is how you undress your wife or how you stroke her and kiss her correctly.
If that is your understanding of foreplay, allow me to help you dash to the front of the pack of males and learn a huge lesson.
Please pardon my brashness, but experience and marriage coaching many couples, has taught me, a lady wants to be seduced, not pawed.
A lesson I hope you understand here, learn how to extend foreplay to help your wife become slowly aroused in her own special manner!
Another significant point: Women are more like art than science. They are each different and your wife’s preferences change every day. How you stroked and massaged last night will not necessarily work to get her aroused tonight.
What sent her to the moon before, may not get her fire started at all!
This is certainly not to demean your wife or any other woman.
It is to remind you as a husband, that your wife may need extra pampered time and succulent stimulation, to get ready for a sexual romp with you.
Help your wife see that your sexual fulfillment means her needs come first.
3 – Women as a general rule, do not see sex as fun or invigorating, especially due to the pressure of life.
Do you envision sex as always playful or rewarding, especially when you ejaculate? Of course you do!
You may consider sex within your marriage, as a perfect setting for daily release. If you are intuitive, you will find your wife becoming more and more resistant to your advances if you do not begin with her needs placed correctly in your priorities.
Here are a few ideas you need to consider about her seeming apprehension to your sexual initiations.
For your wife after a day of wrestling the kids, or her job or both, sex is the last item on her to-do list.
Actually it may not appear at any point on her list!
Dragging herself into bed is the only relief she may look forward to at night.
You however, look at sex as a way to let go of all the tensions from the day, so you can sleep soundly, right?
For your wife, sex must be the culmination of a relaxation time, followed by whatever she needs to get her body and her mind ready for a sexual romp with you.
If you set it up correctly, your wife will never be surprised by groping her breasts, gently slapping her behind or some other indication many husband feel is a sign that tonight he will enjoy her body!
When this is done, most wives tell us, they feel used or at least like property and not a lover.
4 – Tagging along with point # 3, Your bride may actually see sex as a drudgery or a duty.
If you are not a careful and thoughtful husband, you could become resentful of her actions, while overlooking the underlying reasons for her refusal or reluctance.
She might not be purposely or conscientiously refuse your advances. As mentioned already, her body needs different simulations than does your body.
This mental perspective comes from many sources as your wife was growing up.
It may even be due to her spiritual upbringing.
It is refreshing to see many of the wives who blog for marriage advancement share their life story as it relates to their sexual awakening as it were.
We unwittingly teach our young people a warped view of a married sex life
It would be difficult for any person to hear “it is wrong”, continually, to do a specific physical activity, and then all at once release the flood gates without shame or question.
Yet this is precisely what your wife or you, may have heard growing up so that you both “kept yourself pure”.
Especially as it relates to women, her mind and body are fighting the new freedom.
You have a fun filled journey ahead for you two if you help her gently understand she is allowed and encouraged by God to have fun sexually.
5 – For 98% of wives, your wife does not initiate, because she does not “NEED” sex to fill her emotional love bank.
You need a sexual release for physical reasons and your wife needs her sexual interlude to meet her emotional needs.
This idea of the physical nature for men escapes many women. They think you only “want” sex.
If you go without sexual release, your balls fill with fluid and your penis becomes hyper sensitive to any outside stimulation, visual, mental or even oratory.
As your wife is wired, she may receive enough emotional stimulation to keep her sexual edge toned way down, so as not to need any release for a month or two.
This does not mean she cannot enjoy or thoroughly appreciate a sexual climax multiple times during a week when she is appropriately aroused by you, her lover.
This emotional dynamic means that sex is not a high priority for her and neither is initiating sex to you.
I hope you spend the time with each other reading through this post.
If you completely disagree with a point, that is fine as long as you open dialogue with each other.
These thoughts pertain to typical couples in general.
Some couples exist where the wife is the high drive partner and the husband is the low drive partner.
If this is your case, some of these ideas may need to be reversed however, the emotional physical dynamic is a male female one not a high or low drive element.
It is fascinating that even when the wife is the more sexually aggressive one, she does so from an emotional level and not from a physical need.
Here are a few suggestions to incorporate in your sexual repertoire:
- Maintain eye contact as much as possible.
Your wife will think you have something to hide or have some internal guilt if you avoid looking deeply within her, through her eyes.
Her concept of your looking at her deeply will aid her emotional connection.
- Respond to your wife every moment you two are emotionally and physically connected.
Be aware of her movements and responses to your touch.
Stay “present” at all times during your lovemaking sessions.
This does not mean only when you two are physically connected.
This is to ensure you are fully aware of what her body is telling you.
Focus on her needs as well as what her body is saying.
As you touch her certain ways, how does she react?
Does she sigh or emit some low moan when you stroke or touch her in specific places?
Make mental notes about these touches.
- Understand that some touches may simulate her one time, and repulse her the next time you try the same movement or even where you touch her.
It is not you or your pace, it is her marvelous, changing body. Women can change every time you touch a specific spot on her body.
This post is designed to enhance your sexual enjoyment.
I would appreciate some feedback from you.
If there are some other topics about sex or some additional part of your marriage you would like to see an article written to address, let me know.