The greater the open intimacy within your marriage, the greater your trust factors will develop. Opening up to each other’s heart takes time, effort and a lot of individualized patience.
Here are 5 approaches to accumulate exceptional trust for you two.
1 – Create an open book policy concerning all of your electronic correspondence.
Since I work online or on my phone with married couples, it is imperative my wife feels comfortable with my activities.
Here are a few ways I help my wife feel comfortable with my electronic activities:
a. I have so many different sites with unique passwords that I keep pages near my computer for quick reference. Numerous times I showed Elaine where these are located, as I want to be as open about my online activities as possible.
b. Any time I receive a personal message on Facebook, Twitter or an email from a female, I forward those to Elaine.
c. Anytime she desires to, my computer (which is a spare bedroom where we share with both our offices) is available for her to log on and see my “history”.
d. My phone sits out and she knows how to access it to see any messages I receive.
These are my way to be proactive in creating trust for our relationship. We coach so many couples who have trust issues and I want to ensure my bride has no reason to question my activities. BTW, Elaine has a small spiral notebook with her passwords if I ever need to access her sites.
2 – Don’t talk about past boyfriends (or if you were married before – any past husband) even in a positive manner unless the conversation is specifically prompted BY YOUR HUSBAND for this purpose.
Some men want every detail from past relationships. Some men want absolutely NO DETAILS about past relationships even if they were years ago.
Any (Dialogue) concerning past relationships should be his choice. IF he is sensitive to those details, be respectful of his heart.
If you feel you need to bring up some segment of your past to help your present relationship, frame it in a way that your husband may give accurate or helpful feedback to you. Or if you simply want to share a former secret with him, arrange to have him prepared to just listen to your words and heart. Keep in mind that your husband will want to come to your aide. If this is not what you need, give him specific, detailed “instructions” before you begin your discussion.
You could say something along these lines (re-frame these words to fit your personality):
“Honey, I have something important I would like to share with you. Could we carve out 45 minutes to sit together and have me share what is on my heart? I want to let you in on something that is troubling me from my past, and I need for you to really just listen.”
3 – When your husband shares a problem, no matter how small it seems to you, listen and be ready to offer him effective solutions.
His method for listening, involves creating a solutions based outcome. To listen to his expressed issues, as he needs for you to listen, involves reflective actions generated for him when he is finished.
You might have no solutions or insights for him at the moment. That’s OK, just assure him you will think about his dilemma and get back to him by (give him a reasonable time frame). No matter how trivial it seems to you, he is sharing a piece of heart with you.
Treat his desire as though it were your best friend, giving you the juiciest piece of information you have longed to receive for a long time.
4 – Ask your husband for his advice, insights or help.
Creating an open framework for your conversations begins with one of you. So let it be you! Trust is a long term created dynamic. So begin where you two exist and begin to craft some openness.
Your husband wants to share his heart with you but needs to see that you are trustworthy. Getting his advice is important to his hearts growth within your marriage. Ask him his ideas about his life, those segments which matter most to his male brain.
5 – Be as transparent as possible.
The longer you two are together, the more your information will flow if you set the pace from now on. Turn loose from details which are hiding deep in your heart. CAUTION: you have to be the gatekeeper over your details. If you have information which is ultra embarrassing, you may never completely open up.
On the other hand, when you can shed light upon past embarrassments that are hidden from everyone else, even your best girl friend, your husband will appreciate your openness when these details are revealed in a proper light. Remember that once shared, these tidbits are in his mind forever. So go cautiously forward, knowing that information is the single best bonding agent for two hearts.
To frame your message as long or as short as you want it to be, maybe write it down over a few days or weeks before you open up a can of worms.
So there’s 5 suggestions to take your marriage intimacy to a deeper level.
You pledged yourself to each other for life on your wedding day. Now is the time to connect your hearts bond which creates a sizzling attachment. Secrets kept from each other create a barrier, but unwanted details can shed the wrong light.
For Elaine and myself, after 42 years, we have found there is no subject we can’t talk about. It has taken years of slow trust to hold each other’s heart and secrets from the world. Often we write a note to the other person, sharing our desire for the information first. Then when we feel it is arrange correctly, we set aside the time to spend helping the other work through these ideas presented to the other partner.
These secrets are intimacy building details which strengthen and enrich our marriage bond, because no one knows us as intimately as the other person.
I love Elaine more today than I ever thought possible. Trust is a developed ( ) where each day provides the opportunity to build or erode your bond.
The other major segment of this enrichment process is to be PROACTIVE, not reactive.
What are you doing today which will craft the most intimate relationship 20 to 30 years from now?
Make some of your date nights expressly about communication building activities. Create some targeted questions for you both to answer which help you to open up to each other.
Plan a week-end away so you can devote the entire time to your marriage. Keep watching the emails as I will soon share a package to enhance your leisure experiences together while enhancing your romantic and intimacy aspects with in your marriage.
Take each of these 5 suggestions and work them into your relationship each month. You will be glad you did!
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Your Friends — Jerry & Elaine Stumpf