How’s your sex life going to be this year? Make this the most incredibly intimate year ever for you two!

Are you the “low drive or the high drive spouse?

In most marriages one partner is the risk taker and the other one is cautious.

If you are the risk taker, especially as it pertains to your married sex life, she will fit this article. If you are the cautious one, the roles may be reversed at least in some of the points.

No matter which one is which type, your wife views sex as an opposite behavior from how you perceive your sexual fulfillment.

So here are five ideas for you to consider about sex which may be unlike your earlier preconceived ideas.

Why not print this list and discuss it with your spouse?

It is written to husbands as this is my primary audience.

However, if you are a woman, it is easy to re-frame the ideas and show the list to your husband. 

1 – She uses sex for communication not simply as a physical release.

Physical intimacy is how you connect with your wife after you have established the urgency for release.

Stimulation may have started by some visual prompt or mental image you received early in the morning when your wife was getting ready for work.

Throughout the day you privately nurtured those thoughts and planned on a hot session with your wife to culminate the thoughts rattling around in your mind. Women do not understand how easy it is for men, especially young men, to become aroused throughout the day. You could have innocently seen a woman scantily clad or her dress was way too tight and you have an accidental erection.

On the other side of the bed, your wife has fought with the kids or her job and those issues have taken a harsh toll on her body. Perhaps you even made a loving remark about her body as she dressed that morning and she completely dismissed it.

Keep ever focused that you get sexually stimulated from the outside in. You see something that gets you excited and it surges deep into your body.

Your wife is stimulated sexually from the inside out. She needs to have her inner emotional being touched and the longer it can be actively resonated, the better prepared she is to have a sexual reunion with you that night. When any distraction throws her mind and emotional psyche off center, she has to begin again.

Your wife wants, – no – needs, to feel safe and secure in your relationship. Most men don’t perceive just how often women need to be reassured that she is your bride and you would pursue her if you both were single. So do everything you can to create a continual feeling of security with her heart.

2 – Your wife does not always see the adventure as you do.

As strange as it may seem to you, sometime she enters into a sexual venture only to please you and not to reach her own climax. You may have even heard her say, “OK so let’s just do this.” in a tone of voice that tells you her desire for sleep far outweighs her desire to tangle in the sheets with you.

She may look at sex as an activity to get through and not necessarily an activity to wrap her entire soul into each time. If having a satisfying sexual life is high on your priority list in marriage, just know that it may not rank so high for your wife.

Your wife may see sex as an activity and not always as a bonding agent for your relationship. You may remember several times when she became a tigress and really got into the sexual time together. However, at the beginning of those sessions she may have had a “ho-hum” approach to her participation. What may have changed during those heated sessions is her mind and emotional inner self was activated by you and your sensitivity to her needs.

This is certainly not to demean your wife or any other woman. It is just to remind us husbands that a wife may need extra time and stimulation to get ready. Help her see how you view your sex life when you are not preparing for a physical rendezvous.

3 – She does not always see sex as fun or invigorating.

Do you envision sex as always playful or rewarding?

You may have even considered sex within your marriage as a perfect setting for daily release only to find your wife becoming more and more resistant to your advances.

Advances which worked when you were first married, right?

Here are a few considerations for her apprehension.

For her after a day of wrestling the kids or her job or both, sex is the last item on her to-do list. Actually it may not appear at any point on her list!

Dragging herself into bed is the only relief she may look for at night. You however, look at sex as a way to let go of all the tensions from the day, so you can sleep soundly, right? For your wife, sex must be the culmination of a down time followed by foreplay to get her body and her mind ready for a sexual romp with you.

4 – Your bride may actually see sex as a drudgery or a duty and not a time she looks forward to being intimate with you.

If you are not a careful and thoughtful husband, you might become resentful of her actions while overlooking the underlying reasons for her refusal or reluctance.

She might not be purposely or conscientiously refusing your advances. Her body needs different simulations as each month transpires and as the anniversaries add up.

This mental perspective comes from many early sources as your wife was growing up. It may even be due to her spiritual upbringing. It is refreshing to see many of the wives who blog for marriage advancement share their life story as it relates to their sexual abstinence before marriage.

It would be difficult for any person to hear “it is wrong” to do a specific physical activity all their life and all at once release the flood gates without shame. This is precisely what your wife may have heard growing up so that she “kept herself pure” for you and now her mind and body is fighting the new freedom.

You have a fun filled journey ahead for you two if you advance in the correct fashion to help her gently understand she is allowed by God to have fun with you in marriage without any restrictions between you two. There are still restrictions such as not inviting another person into your marriage bed. However such prohibitions do not include many practices such as oral sex which to some folks, is still a taboo.

5 – Your wife does not initiate because she does not “NEED” sex to fill her emotional love bank.

You physically need a sexual release for physical reasons. If you go without sexual release your balls fill and your penis becomes more sensitive to any outside stimulation.

As your wife is wired, she may receive enough emotional stimulation to keep her sexual edge toned way down as not to need any release for a month or two.

This does not mean she cannot enjoy or thoroughly appreciate a sexual climax multiple times during a week when it is appropriately presented to her. It simply means that sex is not a high priority for her and neither is initiating sex to you. For most couples, the male is the aggressor or initiator sexually even if he is a quiet person.

These thoughts pertain to typical couples in general. Some couples exist where the wife is the high drive partner and the husband is the low drive partner. If this is your case, some of these ideas may need to be reversed. It is fascinating that even when the wife is the more sexually aggressive one, she does so from an emotional level and not necessarily from a physical need.

Here are a few independent ideas for you to incorporate in your sexual repertoire:

  • Maintain eye contact as much as possible.

Your wife will think you have something to hide or have some internal guilt if you avoid looking deeply within her, through her eyes. Her concept of your looking at her deeply will aid her emotional connection.

  • Respond to your wife every moment you two are emotionally and physically connected during foreplay and while making love.

Be aware of her movements and responses to your touch.

Stay “present” at all times during your lovemaking sessions. This does not mean only when you two are physically connected.

This is to ensure you are fully aware of what her body is telling you.

Focus on her needs as well as what her body is saying. As you touch her certain ways, how does she react?

Does she sigh or emit some low moan when you stroke or touch her in specific places? Make mental notes about these touches.

  • After the above two thoughts, realize that some touches may simulate her one time and repulse her the next time you try.

It is not you or your pace, it is her body. Women can change every time you touch a specific spot her body.

This newsletter is designed to enhance your sexual enjoyment going into 2015.

I would appreciate some feedback from you. If there are some other topics about sex or some additional part of your marriage you would like to see an article written to address, let me know.

This post is actually in response to the survey many of you completed some time ago.

How can Elaine & I help you in a more personal fashion?

We would like to give you one of the few slots we have for a select few couples going into 2015.

Let’s get together through Skype and interview each other to see how we can set up some future coaching appointments.

Always Expect The Best For Your Marriage – As The Best Is Yet To Be!!!

Jerry Stumpf

I hope you check out the book,  Cracking The Marriage Code and get your copy here today to help elevate your marriage.



Jerry is a marriage relationship expert, public speaker, author of several books, blogger, certified marriage coach and marriage mentor. Jerry & Elaine host educational, actionable, & interactive marriage seminars which equip attendees with many "tools" which captivate each other in deeper conversations. Jerry has been married forty three years to the same beautiful woman. They have three children and seven grandchildren. Their greatest passion is assisting married couples to unlock each other's heart through open transparent communication, with their gentle interactive guidance.

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