Ladies he is listening . . . but not on your frequency.
In our marriage seminars, we hear marriage partners express each side of this stark division over communication.
Throughout the weekend we relate to the group that men and women have different plumbing, which they know, but that they are wired differently which some folks do not understand.
This brings about a nervous laugh at first; however, after saying it many times, they begin to really internalize the thought that they are wired differently than their life partner.
One way to visualize this difference is like this: it is as though men speak on AM stations and women hear on FM.
Have you ever tried to tune in to your station on the wrong setting? Of course that will not work.
With the radio we understand that the manufacturer made the radio to pick up different frequencies but in a marriage we forget this principal.
Perhaps we have never fully thought about it that God made us different, both with our plumbing and our wiring.
How often have you heard a person running down the other gender as “insensitive”, “uncaring” or simply “unwilling to really listen”?
It took many years before I really “got it”, how men and women typically process information completely unique to their gender.
To illustrate this point let me relate my ineptness early on in our marriage.
My wife would come home from work to share with me the way her boss or a worker was doing their job.
Sometimes she related how they were infringing on the illegal or immoral so I was really in to this conversation as her “helper”.
When she was finished, I gave her several great ideas of how to “fix the entire situation!” Man did I ever do a good job this time! At least in my mind!
Right now the women reading this article know what I did wrong and are a bit irate or at least uncomfortable. And men are possibly saying “That’s right man, you did a good job, tell her how to fix the situation.”
Thus the differences as to how we approach problems. I was not right. NOT by a long shot.
It was not until years later after reading several books on marriage relationships and talking to numerous wiser people that I began to “get it”.
Finally I learned that scientists can send an entire encyclopedia thousands of miles around the world in a split second, but it takes years to get one basic thought through the quarter inch or so of human skull.
Yes, sometimes we are a bit dense as to understanding each other! While it took me a while, I got it.
Here is a clever way to ensure that every time we begin to discuss a serious matter, that’s right EVERY TIME, I tune in how she wants me to listen.
I know when to simply listen or there are some times, when to help my wife fix the problem. The solution is so simple.
Hey guys would you like to know the secret to listen to your wife so she is heard like she wants to be?
It is so straightforward I wish someone would have grabbed me by the arm or collar to look me straight in the eye and say —– “Ask her which to do before the conversation gets too far.”
There is even a handy dandy signal that is so universal it will amaze you.
The signal is the time out signal a coach or player makes in a game where he runs up to the referee and thrusts both hands into the guys face with his fingers from one hand in the palm of the other hand.
Elaine knows immediately what I am asking for and now before I can get my hands together, she will say, “Just listen” or “I need some help”. Wow! I know right away how to proceed. It is so trouble-free that I know what she needs without trying to read her mind.
Remember ladies your husband was not made like you. Typically he cannot work out his problems by merely talking about them.
He is not wired the same way as you. Guys, your wife does not want to make a list for every problem that comes up or figure the best way to attack a problem.
She is not wired the same way you are. Have some fun with this “time out signal” the next time you need to share some heartfelt problems.
Your husband or wife wants to listen, be sure you are tuned into their frequency.
Invest some time really communicating about how this difference is present in your marriage.
Ask each other specifically how you did not really tune into each other recently.
Then listen with the heart of the other person in mind.
Does my wife need to have me listen with all my heart?
Is her need to have me just focus on her words?
In another article I will share how women equally exasperate their husband by listening like a woman.
Another post about good communication
For now men remember women do not want to “be fixed”. Be sure you read this article together and really listen to your partners answer.